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jordanne15çš„ä¸»é¡µ http://www.zorpia.cn/jordanne15 Fri, 10 Feb 2012 20:43 EST Fri, 10 Feb 2012 20:43 EST Zorpia.com home... http://www.zorpia.cn/jordanne15/journal/2045503 They call this place my home. It's where I was born. Accidentally conceived, Born a b astard, An obligation. Born an adult, From two children.   They call this place my home, It's where I was born. It's where I spent my childhood.   Indoors. Always a rainy day, A puppy with no yard to play. In Doors. Books before I could read, Follow, follow, follow, don't lead.   They call this place my home, It's where I was born. It's where I spent my childhood. It's where I grew up.   Decieved. By my father: A good man, With a dissappointment of a daughter. A good man, With his trophy wife, Now weighted down by life. Decieved. By my mother: Always right, With no moral light. Always right, Her lips of spite. Always right, Pointless fights. Decieved. By my parents: Marraige- a sacred bond Unless the ring's gone. College- the key to money Money- the key to happiness Happiness- not yet purchased.   They call this place my home, It's where I was born. It's where I spent my childhood. It's where I grew up.   Why would I ever want to leave my home? I can't imagine.     Personal http://www.zorpia.cn/jordanne15/journal/2045503 Fri, 06 May 2011 10:33 EST rats leading dogs http://www.zorpia.cn/jordanne15/journal/2045502 How can we blindly follow Men with hearts cold and hollow? Tugging at the leash we wear While we're doped up and unaware. A pack of rats leading all these dogs Who've lost their Master in the fog. What the hell have we become Ignoring evils being done? Murderers out on good beahavior Suddenly slaves to the Lord and Savior. Beware the slight of hands of fate Watching while we masturbate Waiting, watching, saving, storing, Filing, learning, smiling, watching.... (not complete) Personal http://www.zorpia.cn/jordanne15/journal/2045502 Fri, 06 May 2011 10:19 EST nostalgia http://www.zorpia.cn/jordanne15/journal/2045501 A blast from the past Lasts longer than a flash Taking its sweet time To infiltrate my mind Hallucinations haunting me Sobriety is the enemy Visions of you- Then, Now, and Never- Echo off the streets In a clear constant whisper Taunting me with Then, Flaunting the Now, Instigating false wanting Of what can Never be Penny for your thoughts A toke for my memories Keeps the nostalgia Exactly as it should be Personal http://www.zorpia.cn/jordanne15/journal/2045501 Fri, 06 May 2011 10:14 EST shon http://www.zorpia.cn/jordanne15/journal/2004037 why do i do these things? i don't get on this site very much, then all of a sudden i decide to read all my old journals, and of course they're all about shon. i thought, oh it'll be healthy for me, i can read about how awful he treated me and remember why i hate him. well guess fuckin what. the next day after reading all my journals, after not seeing or speaking to him for 18 months, he parks across from me at the gas station. my body temperature rose like fifteen degrees and i started sweating and getting all pissed off, because of course he's with his fat mexican hoe wife,  and he kept looking over at me and i waited and waited for kolt to come out of the gas station but finally i couldnt wait anymore and just when i was about to go beat the **** out of him the fuckin 5-0 rolls into the gas station. he doesn't know it, but that cop may have saved a few lives yesterday. i don't want shon. i want a ******* explanation. why did he call me off and on for years and then just marry this *****? i broke up with a great guy because of him (which is also documented in a journal). I don't want to be with him, I just don't understand why we didn't work, more so why we can't be friends? We're much too different to be together, but we were really good friends... Personal http://www.zorpia.cn/jordanne15/journal/2004037 Wed, 20 Oct 2010 10:17 EST the past... http://www.zorpia.cn/jordanne15/journal/2003074 I'd forgotten how much my soul used to hurt. It still throbs with pain, each irregular beat a reminder of how imperfect I am. Except now I'm not living with my parents, not forced to dwell on my pain 24/7. Until I read some of my past journals, which included many poems, I'd forgotten that I used to let my pain out in my writing. I didn't think they were the best, but I guess some people on here like them so I guess they're okay enough for me to keep writing. I am working on a novel. I've only got six or seven pages written, but it looks pretty good to me. I'm not sure how it ends, but if I keep writing I'm sure I'll find out. Oh yeah. I'm also going end poverty and hunger with my new system that completely abolishes money. No big deal. Personal http://www.zorpia.cn/jordanne15/journal/2003074 Fri, 15 Oct 2010 14:56 EST it's over :D http://www.zorpia.cn/jordanne15/journal/2001584 I've been plagued with nightmares for many many years. My mind is funny in its own little way: it conjures horrific scenarios that I cannot escape. When I was younger I used to have the same nightmare every night, and each night desperately trying to battle monsters, elude evil wizards, or throw off the FBI. It only ended when I (after many restless moons) was able to defeat my enemies. As I grew up and watched more graphic television (which I enjoy), my nightmares became worse. However, since i've had the help of certain herbal insomnia remedies, I am able to sleep soundly, without any memory of direct involvement in my dreams. Despite that, last night I had a nightmare for the first time in a long while. I can't go into detail now because I'm in somewhat of a hurry, but something unprecedented happened. I defeated all my enemies AND saved everyone I care about on the first try. And I am excited :D  For the first time I was able to defeat my own brain... Now I know that I am strong enough to do what needs to be done. Personal http://www.zorpia.cn/jordanne15/journal/2001584 Fri, 08 Oct 2010 08:51 EST I'm Not Afraid... http://www.zorpia.cn/jordanne15/journal/1842624 Old poem I found recently. The prompt given was, "I'm not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship."I'm not afraid of heartbreak,For I am learning how to love.I'm not afraid of failure,For I am learning how to succeed.I'm not afraid of humiliation,For I am learning to express myself.I'm not afraid of other people,For I am learning who I am.  Personal http://www.zorpia.cn/jordanne15/journal/1842624 Sun, 05 Oct 2008 21:04 EST baby samual... http://www.zorpia.cn/jordanne15/journal/1829875 stephanie's baby boy samual was born on august 13th, 2008 at 9:57 p.m, weighing 9 lbs and 6.3 oz (yes i have it memorized). he's adorable... i love him. he's so cute, i wanted to cry when i held him for the first time. i kept it cool in the hospital and on the drive home with kolt, but i had to let some tears out when i got home. i'm tearing up as i type this, just thinking about him and his parents make me go all soft. i love that little boy so much, i hope i have the chance to be a part of his life and show him how much i care about him. Personal http://www.zorpia.cn/jordanne15/journal/1829875 Tue, 19 Aug 2008 22:57 EST absurd jealousy http://www.zorpia.cn/jordanne15/journal/1823385 i'm completely jealous of stephanie. she's 18 and pregnant, and i would gladly trade her places. know why? she's loved. i know, i sound stupid and immature, but damnit i wanna be loved like that. i leave clothes on my bedroom floor and i'm a lazy disappointment. jeeze... i wanna be surrounded with love... even if that means i'm with just one person who loves me, that's okay. i want to be held. i have kolt, but i don't get to see him very much anymore, and i need him all the time. i dunno... a part of me does wish we could trade places, she shouldn't have to deal with this. another part of me wants to take care of her. but the biggest part of me feels guilty. when that baby is born, i'm going to feel guilty everytime i'm around him. i was going to help her get rid of him. whenever i look in that little boy's eyes, i'm going to remember the night i tried desperately, for stephanie's sake, to find a way to kill him. i've always lived by the phrase "I don't regret the things i've done, but those i did not do." This is one instance where I don't regret something I didn't do. If we had gotten rid of him, i'm not sure i could live with myself. Personal http://www.zorpia.cn/jordanne15/journal/1823385 Fri, 25 Jul 2008 23:10 EST a little self therapy http://www.zorpia.cn/jordanne15/journal/1820647 Am I a bad big sister? I missed the play she was in, but that's because i was needed to stay late at work. I missed her baton recital across the street today, but I was tired from the concert the night before, and she has another one in less than a week I'm going to. I get back from work today and my dad chews me out for not going and says I need to try harder. Try harder? Try harder to be a better sister? I let her play my video games almost every time she asks, I let her borrow my movies, I let her watch movies in my room even when I'm busy. I taught her card games, I read her books, I went nearly all her soccer and t-ball games. I let her hang out with me when a friend/boyfriend comes over, I buy her ice cream, I think I do plenty of things with/for her. Or does he mean I need to try harder in general, with my life? I think I'm doing okay. I work almost seven days a week, 7-8 hours a day during the summer. I make enough money during the summer so I don't need a job during the school year. That allows me to focus on my studies and extra-curricular activities, which I've decided to give up my senior year so that I can try to work two jobs and earn enough money to live on my own. I'm generally an A student, except in mathematics. I know what's going on outside my small town, and I'm proud to say I can make an informed vote in the next USA presidential election. I'm a little chubby, but I think I look fine, and I am trying to make myself healthier. {Not skinny, healthy.} I don't sit at home glued to the TV eating potato chips all day. I don't think I'm a bad person. My parents... I honestly believe they don't care about me. They don't even pretend. For example, they tell me they don't care how my day went. I was in a car accident, and when I called to tell my dad, he didn't ask if I was okay, didn't even sound concerned. I come home from the concert early because Kolt told me there was a nasty storm headed our way. I get home and neither of them ask if I had fun or how the bands were or if I drove through the storm at all. I was told to move the car from where I parked it. I tried to tell them him about the concert and he didn't care. I just want them to care about me... They don't have to love me. I just want them to care. This is going to sound very childish, but they hurt my feelings. They make me feel worthless, and sometimes I believe them. He says I'm self centered and inconsiderate, that I don't care about anyone but myself. I admit, I am both of those things sometimes {who isn't?}, but not to the extremes he says I am. They are always putting me down, yelling at me about something, telling me how disappointed they are with me. They just make me feel so down, like I can't do anything and don't deserve anything. I just feel like shit around them. I just want to love, be loved, and make people happy.  Personal http://www.zorpia.cn/jordanne15/journal/1820647 Tue, 15 Jul 2008 22:33 EST fuck the female parental unit. http://www.zorpia.cn/jordanne15/journal/1808289  *vulgar language warning* I can't fucking take this shit. I hate her I hate her I hate her. I should not have to deal with this shit. I knew that she didn't like my dad, but I never thought she'd go so far as to cheat on him. I saw photos of her giving a younger guy oral sex. It was fucking disgusting. First off, I don't wanna see her doing that shit to any guy. Second, she's a pretty big woman, and I honestly do not care in slightest about a person's weight, but I still don't wanna see her naked. I'm so offended and disgusted and pissed and upset. I've cried every night and almost every day since I found it. Fuck that fucking slut.  I can't stand to be around her. Her voice makes me physically ill. I've been vomiting lately. I jump away when she touches me, I can't fucking make contact with that nasty ass hoe. I found out about two weeks ago, and i've only told my school councelor and speech coach. My councelor and I are gonna talk some more later about getting my grandma to take guardianship of me, but that's a long story, topped off by this. Personal http://www.zorpia.cn/jordanne15/journal/1808289 Thu, 29 May 2008 21:33 EST love love http://www.zorpia.cn/jordanne15/journal/1792380 yup i love him, and its great. i can look him in the eyes and say it, and its not scary. just... yay! Personal http://www.zorpia.cn/jordanne15/journal/1792380 Wed, 09 Apr 2008 22:09 EST scared. http://www.zorpia.cn/jordanne15/journal/1768930 I.... I love him. I do. He just... I feel safe in his arms. Sometimes I slap him in the face... repeatedly, and he just looks at me. There's no way he knows/understands the deeper reasons why I do it, and yet he doesn't complain. His facial expression just says "It's okay... I'm here for you." I just wanna stay wrapped in his arms forever... and that scares me. It scares me that I'm starting to rely on him being there for me, because he won't always be there, and when that day comes, it'll crush me... and i can't make it through another heartbreak. Personal http://www.zorpia.cn/jordanne15/journal/1768930 Sun, 27 Jan 2008 02:04 EST fucked over http://www.zorpia.cn/jordanne15/journal/1765552 well, i don't really want to talk about it, but essentially i was fucked over. someone has lied to me, i don't know who, but i'm giving tom the benefit of the doubt and that it wasn't him. long story short, shon didn't call me, and i'm dating kolt. Personal http://www.zorpia.cn/jordanne15/journal/1765552 Tue, 15 Jan 2008 22:32 EST ramble on guys..friends. lovers, and "father" http://www.zorpia.cn/jordanne15/journal/1764454 effin a'.... i'm completely exhausted, yet, as usual, i can't sleep. i talked to tom on the phone last night, and he said he told shon to call me. and since my brain is fried and i can't summarize right now, i'm going to type the basic dialouge. Tom: I talked to shon for ya, and I told him to call you. Me: That's unlikely. Tom: But---  Me: No. He's going to call me while he knows i'm still in school, leave me a message without a number, and then i'll wonder what he wanted for five months til he calls me again.   Tom: No, i told him he needs to stop that bullshit and fuckin talk to you, either on the phone or in person. He's not workin saturday, and I told him to call you then. Me: I doubt he will.   Tom: He will. {blah blah blah} ... he was asking me how i knew hali was the right girl for me, and i told him you can just feel it in your heart, you just feel it deep inside you and you know it's right. and at that point i started to cry. tom is great. he's so... i dunno. he's just awesome. he also told me that two i guys i used to hang out with a little are in jail.... i couldn't listen anymore, i was going to have a total breakdown. so we said i love you and hung up. he's seriously the only, ONLY man i can say "i love you" to and mean it with all my heart and not regret it or fear i'll be hurt. and then there's kolt. he's great, i can talk to him about most things. he says he really cares about me, and i believe it. i really care about him too. but the thing is.... i don't love him. i'm sorry, truly i am, but i don't. i don't have those kind of feelings for him. he's one of those guys that i could date for a few months, but i'd break up with him sooner or later. i know myself, i don't want to hurt people, but i do. i really don't want to hurt kolt's feelings, but i know i will at some point in time. i'm putting off hurting him. i tried to tell him a few days ago.. i asked him how pissed off he'd be if i starting dating some other guy. he said he'd be more pissed off than the time he got his car stuck in the driveway....... he punched a dent into his car that's still there. if shon and i get back together, i'm not looking forward to the day i tell kolt... i'll have to tell him in person, and i'll have to bring shon with me. maybe i should just tell him myself, i don't want either them getting hurt. i'm fucking pissed at my so called father. he's a prick and doesn't know shit about me. he asked me how was school. and i didn't really wanna talk about, but then when i started to tell him i was actually proud of an article i wrote for journalism, he ignored me. i'm actually hurt. i mean i don't really like him, but he's supposed to at least act like he cares, especially when he asks. i don't know why i even give a fucking shit. Fuck him. Fuck him and his fucking perfect self. He's such a prick! Everything i do he has to one-up me. I was proud that our one act team did so well this year, even though we got screwed out of going to state, but no. that's not fucking good enough. i was proud that emily hannah claire and i won the best tech award at GI, but no, that's not fucking important enough. HE won a "state title" for "best set", because apparently he did it single handedly. i don't want to sound selfish, but i thought... i thought for once i had carved my own nitch in my family, that i was doing something no one else in my family had tried. apparently not. i'm just a fucking let-down. Personal http://www.zorpia.cn/jordanne15/journal/1764454 Fri, 11 Jan 2008 22:51 EST